Michelle’s Story
I had just graduated high school. I should have been voted “most likely to stay a virgin until marriage.” If quotes had been recorded, I probably would have been quoted saying, “Come to church with me!” I was the holy-roller-goody-two-shoes type and it was my first semester in college away from home when I met one of “those guys.”
At the start of my next semester I found out that I was pregnant. I was forced to leave my Christian school and moved back in with my parents away from the birthfather. The first three months of my pregnancy were spent in utter confusion about what to do. My mother suggested adoption and I had no idea what it was all about. After calling an agency in California that told me there was such a thing as open adoption, I became curious about it. Was there such a thing that would allow me to have a relationship with my child?
The agency virtually required that I move to California for the duration of my pregnancy to pick from a stack of profiles of California natives that were of a different faith than me. I didn’t want to be too far from my baby and I definitely didn’t want to leave my support matrix for a "pregnancy house" for unwed mothers. And I didn’t want my baby to start her life in shame. After a little more careful searching, I found Buckner. I stopped there. In Texas, Buckner is well-known, especially for their strong foundation to biblical values. That was enough for me. Surely an agency like that would attract couples grounded in their faith
I first went to Buckner in April of 2003—the start of my fourth month of pregnancy. There I met two of the staff members, the people who would help carry me through this adoption plan. They gave me counseling before I chose a family. There was one couple that stood a head above everyone else and a couple of days later we spoke for the first time.
Before I get too far into the adoption story, let me give you some background on my pregnancy. When I moved away from the birthfather he was very angry, and it wasn’t until a few weeks before my daughter’s birth that he finally signed his relinquishment of paternal rights paperwork.
We spent the entire pregnancy arguing about the fate of this precious little girl. All of this uncertainty caused a great deal of ambivalence. Compound that with the undeniable maternal love that I had for my girl and you get "adoption days" and "parenting days." Some weeks my heart would ache at the thought of ever letting her go and others my head would tell me how much more I could give her by giving her a complete family.
Throughout the first three months that I spent getting to know the adoptive parents, I was still uncertain about the decision. My immediate family was even split on where they would place their support. My extended family often asked if they could adopt her so I wouldn’t be "throwing her away." Society (as I found out) is not supportive of birthmothers.
In the words of James L. Gritter, "It’s all right for people to adopt children, it’s just not okay for parents to allow their children to be adopted." All of these factors contributed to a great war between my heart and my head. I pursued both courses of action as far as I could before she was born.
I saved money so I could buy her furniture, clothing and toys while patiently waiting for the birthfather to sign. All the while I was talking to this family and trying to figure out if they would stack up the enormous expectations I had for my daughter. She was to have nothing but the best. Open adoption birthparents – who are simultaneously working to let go and to stay in touch – live with ambivalence. Buckner, of course, was there the whole time encouraging me to think in all directions and consider every option.
I arrived at the hospital in early October, and labor was confirmed. Adoptive family members drifted in and out, and several of my best friends stayed to keep me company. Seventeen hours of labor, three hours of pushing, one epidural and a c-section later my beautiful daughter, Faith, was born at 7:06 p.m. on Oct. 6, 2003. The first thing she did when they handed her to me was smile. People say that newborns only smile out of reflex. Her reflex was that she was finally looking at Mom.
The next three days were a whirlwind of medication, doctors and visitors. Faith slept on my chest and didn’t leave my room unless a nurse came to get her. If that happened, I hobbled down the hallway to make sure the doctors in the nursery were taking care of her and making sure she’d be the first one back out to be with her Mom. If I could have changed one thing, it would have been spending more time with the baby in the hospital. There were so many people coming in and out, I missed some opportunities to spend time with her. Those are the only moments you’ll share where you are just “Mom” and not “birth mom.”
I left the hospital in a wheelchair with my baby in my arms and my family in the car waiting for me. We went home and for the next few hours my daughter was only my daughter. At that point I was sure I was parenting. It wasn’t until I asked for help from God that I got my answer.
I told Him that unless He gave me a sign to tell me otherwise, I was going to make a phone call and there would be no placement ceremony. At that very moment there was a knock on my bedroom door and both of my parents walked in. “God told us that this is the right thing for faith.” Not even an hour before, they were telling me how wonderful it would be to parent. My mother never supported adoption and for her to say that was truly a sign from God. After much praying, I finally went downstairs and attended our custom placement ceremony in my living room.
My pastor officiated and only both families and a couple of “support” people were allowed. Exactly three days later from the birth of my daughter, at 7:06 p.m., I signed the relinquishment paperwork with a pen in my left hand and my daughter in my right. It was the single most devastating act of my entire life. The only thing that I can imagine being harder would have been burying her.
Buckner staff never lied about the birthparent grief associated with a placement, but nothing prepares you for the magnitude of it. Eight months later, I still go through the grief cycle. Some days I’m unavoidably angry with the adoptive parents, the birthfather, Buckner and/or myself. Other days are depressing days.
Some days merit acceptance; others denial. Bargaining has been one of those things that is hardest to identify. Even after placement and finalization, the Buckner counselors have been there to take the pages and pages of e-mail I can send. They have been there to offer support and joint counseling for the adoptive family and my family. Things are still rocky in this relationship where no one seems to know their place, but I know that we can still tap Buckner’s resources to help understand each other better.
There is so much behind this story that if it were all written down it could fill more books than this house could hold. I would encourage you as a prospective birthparent or adoptive parent to open your heart and spend as much time as possible in prayer and researching what it is to commit to an open adoption. Not everyone is made for one, but it holds the most benefit for that precious child who should always be the center.
Michelle, 20
Birthmother to Faith
Q: Michelle, what books could you recommend to someone who is where you were- thinking about adoption but not quite sure?
Before you place or adopt I would encourage you to read two books (if you read nothing else): The Spirit of Open Adoption and Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption. Both books are by author and open adoption caseworker James L. Gritter. Both books will broaden your horizons, give you perspective and bring your expectations to a realistic level.
I don’t believe any adoption should be facilitated without the proper groundwork being laid and these two books are an easy way to start that foundation needed for a successful relationship with a birth family or adoptive family.
- Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption by James L. Gritter (p.29)
2. Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption by James L. Gritter (p.92)
